Motherhood as a portal for transformation: on matrescence

Motherhood as a portal for transformation. This phrase flowed through me as I sipped a cup of herbal tea in the evening (blue lotus, chamomile, rose, spearmint, & tulsi). Otherwise known as matrescence, a word coined by anthropologist Dana Raphael in the ‘70s, in recognition of the profound nature of this transformation.

Matrescence opens up a portal which is a liminal space ripe with creativity, re-imagining, & transformation which may go on for years. This rite of passage inspires physical, psychological, social, & spiritual changes that necessitate a fundamental reckoning with one’s state of being. Things have changed & continue to do so - no matter whether we are in flow with or in resistance to those changes.

Motherhood creates the space but it also requires reflection, dedication, introspection, & surrender. Acknowledging the enormity of the rite of passage is the first step in giving ourselves space to embrace the full potential of this time of matrescence. A time for holding the thread of remembrance for what truly matters. Not merely a time to “push through” to get back to “normal” but as a time imbued with creative potential. This is where the alchemy happens.

Imagine the lessons we could learn & the visions that would come to light if we listen to our heart’s calling. What if we tapped into the shifts in ourselves and let them lead us? Consider: what you’re giving up, what you’re gaining, how you want to be in the world moving forward, what’s beckoning to you, what patterns you’re continuing or discontinuing, & what, if anything, may be preventing you from doing so. If you’re feeling resistance to change, explore that further. What are you holding onto so tightly? And why? I love journaling for this sort of exploration.

Imagine if our society recognized the power of this transformative time and shaped itself around making space and time for mothers to make their metamorphosis rather than our current reality which leaves mothers woefully under-resourced, often alone, & frequently rushing through their postpartum period to “get back to work”. It may sound radical. But is is really that radical to consider elevating the needs of women & families over commerce even if just for a bit? This is not just a woman’s issue. What affects women affects the family affects all of society. Everything is connected.

Matrescence is never just one way; there’s nuance, complexity, & diversity. It also doesn’t require abject hardship to occur either though it often does. For example, you can experience a blissful, supported postpartum and still go through transformation. Just wait, you never know what may be your mountain to climb. There’s beauty & pain, highs & lows, happiness & sadness, & everything in between.

It’s hard to accurately and adequately describe the experience of matrescence with words. They don’t seem to be able to paint the whole picture which is always shifting & evolving. Memory blurs the edges turning the experience into an impressionist painting in our minds. You blink and your child is 7.

I feel it’s important to emphasize that it’s not just birth that is the portal; it’s the all-encompassing experience of prenatal, birth, & postpartum. Birth is merely the dramatic crescendo but there is so much more going on both before & after. This also does not put any one type of birth on a pedestal. A “natural” (or physiological) birth is not more impactful on the experience of matrescence than a birth involving interventions.

There do seem to be some common themes &/or patterns that I’ve witnessed through personal experience, spoken about in circle with other women, &/or heard in Birth Story Medicine sessions. Feelings of being underappreciated, isolated, alone, taken for granted, utterly exhausted, confused, overextended, mom guilt, that raising children should be “enough” for us to feel fulfilled, expectations of perfection, loss of identity, etc. In one moment you may question whether you made a mistake while subsequently enjoying some of the most bliss & clarity you’ve ever felt. It can be surreal. Sometimes we just need to be witnessed and that can be enough, while other times we want feedback, reassurance, and shared similar experiences. If you’re unsure, feel free to ask.

Conversely, given time & space, matrescence has the power to birth some of the most beautiful, impactful visions, realizations, & creations. This is an incredibly potent time. However, recognizing the magic & the alchemy of it all doesn’t preclude acknowledging that this is hard work- physically, emotionally, socially, & spiritually. It can feel like there is not adequate recognition of this work that is being done (unpaid & without adequate maternity leave, if any). What does it truly take to become a mother? To exist as a mother? To raise a human being?

I think about the mothers who, in addition to their children, birth heart-centered companies, products, visions, dreams, not based on extraction/profit but on genuine need/desire. They are sharing what they found beneficial in their own lives/motherhood or parenting experiences and feeling compelled to share. Sure, there are also financial &/or lifestyle implications as well. There is the desire/need to create a life that will enable us to bring our kids to work, work when the kids don’t need us, drop kids off at school, pay less for child care, take time off when need be (school holiday, sick kid, etc.), and just generally be our own boss allowing us to live life in the flow of a parent which doesn’t fit nicely into the M-F 9-5 schedule.

I think about all those mothers (myself included) who’ve been called to birth work in recognition that this is such a powerful time that deserves careful tending to with love & respect. Something is missing that only those called to do so can provide. We desire to tend to these rites of passage because we’ve been initiated and understand how pivotal this time is & the lifelong impacts not just on ourselves but on our families and ultimately society as a whole. Ripples.

I’ve noticed a theme of mothers reconnecting with nature. In tending to our changing bodies and then children, there is often a greater awareness of the products we put on our skin & the foods we eat. In a sense, there is a remembrance of what it means to be a human animal that had escaped us before the sacred pause of motherhood forced us to remember. There may be a newfound understanding of the power of a little sunshine & fresh air to pacify the spirit of both you & your child. Spending hours with kids at the park, going on nature walks, collecting acorns, teaching your child about pollination, watching the clouds - little moments of beauty that reawaken memories from deep within.

I’ve noticed an overall remembrance of the beauty of the world despite it all. Despite the crushing reality of the world at present. Through creating whimsical experiences for our children, we also get to take part in those simple little bits of bliss which return us to our childlike wonder. Bubbles, crafts, sidewalk chalk, baking cookies (making messes), imagining shapes at the clouds, growing a garden, making beeswax candles, painting a picture, reading fairy tales, lots of hugs, kisses, & snuggles. Sometimes these activities can feel like a forced slowing down when that can feel so unnatural. We may feel that we should be doing something “productive”. We have been trained to feel of less value if we’re not bringing home a paycheck. Feeling ashamed to admit if you’re a stay-at-home mom. As if raising a human being is not enough. Parenting is such a complex journey.

I’ve noticed many mothers describing a feeling of a softening & a heart-opening connection to other women. Women who once wouldn’t have described themselves as particularly emotional may now feel more deeply. A movie might bring them to tears or they may feel compassion for other families where they once would have been judgmental. Releasing self-righteousness. Recognizing nuance. The female experience often includes In-fighting, jealousy, & competition but matrescence has the potential to illuminate the fact that we’re all in this together. Mother wounds &/or sister wounds are often re-opened &/or tended to during this time. Matrescence has the power to renew our empathy. However, it’s just a portal to do so; it doesn’t do the work for us. It often takes confronting what was in order to move forward into what will be.

So what do we do?

Holistic birth prep is an important part of the mastrescence transformation. Birth prep that goes beyond merely education & information gathering. Some aspects of this include: connecting with yourself & your baby, examining your beliefs about birth/parenting/motherhood/etc, tapping into areas that might feel challenging & working on them (ex. feeling like you can’t speak up for yourself, have to be quiet, a “good” patient, “shoulds,” etc.), practicing pain coping exercises that ask you to reflect on how you’ve dealt with pain/uncomfortable situations in the past without attempting to bypass the fact that labor & birth is tough, being in nature, and simply being supported & witnessed by others you trust throughout the process.

However, these kinds of things cannot really be taught, told, or read about. This rite of passage requires embodied experience. No one can warn you about it in a way that will make sense beforehand; no one can save you from it. Acknowledging that matrescence is a thing is hugely important however it is impossible to understand it until you experience it. I had several people try to warn me about how destabilizing this time can be while I was pregnant & I completely wrote them off. I had this fairy tale in my head that I was somehow immune to it all. How naive I was!

Gathering in community is essential for this liminal time. This cannot be overstated. When women gather, magic happens. From grabbing a quick tea with a friend, to a weekly/monthly meetup with a group, to an week long gathering with hundreds of people in the woods. Daring to whisper the truths of motherhood - not just the Instagram version- but the grit/sweat/blood/tears as well. In-person meetups foster an environment that encourages people to speak up in a way that virtual spaces do not. They’re spaces where you can receive a hug, have a tear wiped from your cheek, or simply a knowing glance that says “I see you.”

Gatherings have the power to leave you soul renewed but they’re not always easy. Sometimes they challenge us and push us to confront the tough things that would be easier to avoid. Sometimes you leave a gathering that was so nourishing & filled with love but upon returning home feel deep sadness. You wish your daily life felt more supportive. You mourn what could be. Perhaps what once was.

We are social animals seeking communion with others. To gather, share stories, or just be in the presence of others. To be witnessed in all of our fullness, in all the complexity of our experience. An experience that is simultaneously so unique and yet so parallel to that of the network of mothers past & present. Online/social media relationships aren’t cutting it. We need true human to human connection. More hugs, more eye contact. Basic primal animal needs. AI could never.

With love,

Allison